What is hilarious about what you’re about to read, is that it was sent to me in an email from my little sister over half a year ago. We’ve always known that she was an expert about all things celebrity especially Justin Bieber, but read below to see how on the money she was:
An Open Letter to Justin Drew Bieber (That’s right…We know his middle name.)
We’re not going to lie – you need a serious image update. Correct us if we’re wrong, but in the past year you’ve gotten into a fight with the paparazzi, engaged in a Lindsay Lohan style car chase, been photographed in jean cutoffs, were involved in a baby daddy scandal, and referred to the one of the most famous fifteenth century chapels as “The Sixteenth Chapel.” To add further insult to already super embarrassing enough injury, you were recently, and willing photographed like this.
Now, before you roll your eyes, stop reading, and tweet something about “staying in the positive” and “haters make me famous,” you should know that we are not Bieber haters. In fact, we were some of the first people to buy your single “One Time” while your current pre-pubescent Beliebers were still listening to “The Wiggles” soundtrack. We’re not one of those “Bieber fans” that spends an egregious amount of time making up twitter handles like @justinbielieber4eva4lyfe4loveswaggggg87. We’re true fans. In that spirit, we want to be the ones to tell you the truth about your life and its direction, or lack their of. Here is some advice to get you off of the track that’s headed for a train wreck, and back onto the right one.
- Fire everyone who works for you
- Or at least fire everyone you’ve hired in the last year. This includes your “stylist,” the fascist ex-con who does your hair, and your publicist (who apparently went to the same publicist school as Kristen Stewart, Charlie Sheen, and Tiger Wood’s publicists.) You should also probably fire your “swagger coach” – Ryan Good. Ryan needs to find a new job anyway, as we’re sure you can’t find “swagger coach” listings on monster.com. (You could probably find them on craigslist, but you can also find the craigslist killer on craigslist.)
- Stop wearing wife beaters
- This is pretty self-explanatory. Although, to be on the safe side, you should probably just stop wearing sleeveless tops altogether until you gain at least 20 lbs.
- Fix your hair
- We get it; you’re trying to switch up your look, you’re growing up, you’re not a kid anymore, ad literal nauseam. But your hair is what defines you, and the old Bieber swoosh was as respected and recognizable as the Nike swoosh. Have you ever seen Kate Middleton with bangs? Maybe a nice faux-hawk? A bob? We didn’t think so. Not to mention, your new hairdo kind of makes you look like a creep – no offense.
- Break up with Selena Gomez
- ASAP, or at least before she dumps you – which she has been known to do. (cough – Nick Jonas and Tayor Lautner – cough) Frankly, we miss the old Justin, and call us crazy, but pictures like this, kind of gross us out. (Seriously, just looking for that picture felt like a criminal offense…)
- And if you can’t break up with her, at least stop carrying her around like here, and here. Like, can’t she walk?
So, we’re totally not trying to be mean or anything, especially since we’ve watched the “Mistletoe” video four thousand times, voted for you for a Teen Choice Award, and have been listening to “Baby” on repeat while writing this letter. We just want what’s best for you.
Ask Angela Blog
Oh, and PS: Here is the last person before you to be on a Rolling Stone cover with the words “hot, ready, and legal.” And we all know what happened to her…