I lied about being a virgin; now we’re getting married

Dear Angela,

My fiance and I, both practicing Catholics, will be getting married six months from now. We’ve been together for exactly 2 years and have cherished the fact that we both are saving ourselves for marriage and for each other. What she doesn’t know is that when I was 17 (I’m now 25) I didn’t feel the same way as I do now, and I gave my virginity away to someone else. I was young, not in love, and it was only one time, but as our wedding approaches this “secret” feels like it’s growing. Is it irrational for me to feel like if I don’t tell her our marriage will be ruined? If I do tell her, will she lose respect for me? I’ve weighed the pros and cons a million times but can’t get out of my own head about it. Should I tell her?

Sincerely,

Matt

Dear Matt,

Congrats on the upcoming wedding, sorry about the stressful stuff.

Sometimes when I have a dilemma, and I can’t get out of my own head about it, I’ll say the facts out loud to try to see things more clearly and away from the emotion of it all.

In your case you might consider saying the following:

  1. I am pretending that I am a virgin.
  2. I’m afraid that my fiance will leave me because of something that I did almost a decade ago.
  3. I am going to marry a girl who I am lying to.
  4. The idea and/or reality of all of these things, is making me increasingly uncomfortable.

So, all of these listed things are resolved by telling your fiance the truth; which is what I think you should do. Even #2 “I’m afraid she’ll leave me,” maybe she’ll leave you, maybe she won’t, but after telling her, at least the anxiety and fear of that question can start to be resolved.

It’ll be a difficult conversation but she deserves to know and you deserve to be free from the shackles of a nagging secret.

If you don’t tell her, I don’t think it’ll ruin your marriage, but I think you’ll always think about it. I think you’ll always feel uncomfortable about it and it’s better to just resolve it now. 

Let us know how it goes.

Love,

Angela

Ps. We all do things we regret when we’re teenagers and may even still feel like the worst people in the world because of those things. Don’t let this particular secret continue to have power over you, you can beat it!

 

Readers: Do you think he should tell? Do you think she’ll care? Are you carrying secrets that are hurting you?

Talk about it on twitter #beatthesecret @askange_column

Or on Facebook by liking www.facebook.com/askangelaslc

Submit your own question: askangela.dn@gmail.com  

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “I lied about being a virgin; now we’re getting married

  1. Tell her before you get married. She will be upset, but that does not compare to the trust you will lose if you wait until after the wedding. There is nothing more important in a marriage than the trust between a husband and wife. She is your person, and she will understand. She loves you, and you love her… that is what makes this so hard. It’s real, and she wont run from that. Trust her.

  2. Is it a sin to lie about not being a virgin? I don’t want to talk about it any further, but I don’t want I reform to the world and they seen to force me to be like them!! I already hate myself, but I have people at drama school who occasionally (in front of me!!!) “whisper to themselves” that (I can’t hear them and just guessing by the body language and looks…) that they are talking about me. I don’t know how to answer them when the question arises a gain! I obviously can’t be faithful to G-D AND not lie at all. I don’t ever want to talk about what has happened in the past!!!!!!!!
    Hope to hear from you soon.
    Mariko

  3. My Husband lied to me about this very same thing finally told the truth 6 years into out realtionship and words can not express the hurt and mistrust that I feel towards him. There is no way you should keep this information from her it would be very cruel.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s