My fiance and I, both practicing Catholics, will be getting married six months from now. We’ve been together for exactly 2 years and have cherished the fact that we both are saving ourselves for marriage and for each other. What she doesn’t know is that when I was 17 (I’m now 25) I didn’t feel the same way as I do now, and I gave my virginity away to someone else. I was young, not in love, and it was only one time, but as our wedding approaches this “secret” feels like it’s growing. Is it irrational for me to feel like if I don’t tell her our marriage will be ruined? If I do tell her, will she lose respect for me? I’ve weighed the pros and cons a million times but can’t get out of my own head about it. Should I tell her?
Congrats on the upcoming wedding, sorry about the stressful stuff.
Sometimes when I have a dilemma, and I can’t get out of my own head about it, I’ll say the facts out loud to try to see things more clearly and away from the emotion of it all.
In your case you might consider saying the following:
- I am pretending that I am a virgin.
- I’m afraid that my fiance will leave me because of something that I did almost a decade ago.
- I am going to marry a girl who I am lying to.
- The idea and/or reality of all of these things, is making me increasingly uncomfortable.
So, all of these listed things are resolved by telling your fiance the truth; which is what I think you should do. Even #2 “I’m afraid she’ll leave me,” maybe she’ll leave you, maybe she won’t, but after telling her, at least the anxiety and fear of that question can start to be resolved.
It’ll be a difficult conversation but she deserves to know and you deserve to be free from the shackles of a nagging secret.
If you don’t tell her, I don’t think it’ll ruin your marriage, but I think you’ll always think about it. I think you’ll always feel uncomfortable about it and it’s better to just resolve it now.
Let us know how it goes.
Ps. We all do things we regret when we’re teenagers and may even still feel like the worst people in the world because of those things. Don’t let this particular secret continue to have power over you, you can beat it!
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