Another week, another overacted but somehow kind of boring episode. But there’s still stuff to discuss so the joke’s on me. Here’s WHAT I LEARNED from last week’s episode of Scandal:
1. If you’re ever going to torture someone, say YOLO. Nothing is scarier.
2. Don’t worry too much about faking your death and then being held prisoner for 22 years. You get to keep your weave.
3. Girls everywhere: pick the Scott Foley in your life. Dump the Fitz. And pull out the Quinn’s teeth.
4. “H” is the most unnatural nickname in the universe.
5. If a family member ever comes back to life, don’t be happy to see them. Quietly mope in a spotlit corner so that all the attention stays on you.
6. If you’re tied up, don’t take the tape off your mouth even if your hands are close enough. (Watch the episode again. Quinn has to move her head out of the way of her hands several times.)
7. You know that person in your life who does everything for you and makes all of your problems disappear while you sit around creating even more drama? Yeah, turn on them as soon as their life falls apart.
8. “Numb and fine are the same.” Mellie forever.
9. “Ben” by the Jackson 5 is a really good song. Michael forever.
10. Here’s what it takes to be the star of a hit show: make one really annoying facial expression in every situation, wear trench coats that swallow you whole, and say whatever ridiculous thing that comes out of Shonda’s mind.
More painful than losing a tooth? I thought this episode was the winter finale and that I could start talking about Real Housewives and Revenge.
Elizabeth Trusty is the Ask Angela writer covering TV, celebrities and headbands. Follow her on twitter @berdoo13