When the love ends; Got any advice?

How would you answer this question?



My name is not important, my situation to me is. I have been married for almost 21 years now in a marriage that is full of hate, spite and no love whatsoever.

My religion frowns on divorce. We can work it out they say. Families are eternal.

If this is what eternity is like then I do not want any part of it!

I wake up in the morning not wanting to see my wife because of the hatred she has for me. No good morning, how are you. It has been almost 18 years since she has come up to me to give me a hug and tell me she loves me. She tells me that if I want a hug then I have to go to her. When she or I leave the house I make sure that I go to her to say goodbye and that I love her and she grunts.

My wife is happiest when she is unhappy. She has a black cloud around her all the time. I try to do things that she wants to do. I spend time with her even though I am tired and exhausted from work. I cannot do enough to make her happy. I am a failure in her eyes.

I want out! I used to be happy. If I try to make friends she states that I do not want to be with her and gets upset.

At church she ignores me and the members see it and it is embarrassing especially when you are the leader of the congregation.

We have a 18 year old child who is heading off to college. My child is “running” away to college to get away from the control freak that the child’s mother is. My child wants some freedom which I agree my child needs.

What should I do? Who can I turn to for help, support, and/or peace?

Loveless in the Midwest


I’ll be using reader responses to this question in a few weeks, so please share your thoughts!





2 thoughts on “When the love ends; Got any advice?

  1. First, it is possible the wife has a mental illness. That should be addressed. The “you have to initiate hugs” thing is expressing an emotional need. The “you can’t have any friends” thing is rooted in her (perhaps irrational) fears. Whatever is going on, it doesn’t sound healthy and she needs some help, even if she won’t accept it from her husband. Constant negative behavior is going to degrade anyone in the household, including children and is damaging to her as well.

    Second, I’m curious about what kind of conversation they’ve had. Have they discussed love languages, expectations from life and marriage? It sounds like he feels rejected by his wife. Has he told her this? Does she want to be married to him? Why? Does she want to have a life where she isn’t always miserable and doesn’t know how to get there? I don’t think he could leave the marriage in good conscience without trying really hard to discuss all of these things with his wife.

    However, if he’s tried, if she’s mentally ill and refuses treatment, if she’s not willing to talk about it, if she will never be pleased no matter what he does….I think it may be appropriate to get a divorce. If you’re religious, pray about it seriously. If divorce is the right thing, it doesn’t matter if you lead a congregation or not. You do the right thing for yourself and your family and face the consequences. I’m sure it will be really hard, I guess you have to decide if it is worth it to you to escape the negative situation.

    For help, support, peace–a professional counselor? Prayer and worship for sure, since he is religious. It sounds like he’s hurting a lot. I think it is good to deliberately do things that make you happy–he should help his kid(s) with this as well. Find an activity or hobby that you enjoy, that will be physically and spiritually affirming and if you wife objects, tell her you need it for your emotional health. Maybe there’s an online support group for men going through divorce? This is a good resource http://divorce.usu.edu/files/uploads/ShouldIKeepTryingtoWorkItOut.pdf

  2. you know, this is only one side to the story, and while we can advise all we want. This sounds similar to the way me ex treated me, only it was not like this at all. He did not want to be there so he came up with every excuse he could, because he wanted out, well, now he is out and I am still the one making him miserable and we never see him. Also, if it is true, as hard as it is, love, service… doing all you can to focus on her and not yourself might seem exhausting, it will bring you closer together, she will see she is precious to you. Coming from someone who was not appreciated and treated with love, it is worth your time, hers and you child’s. Have you read the book marriage isn’t for you by Seth Adam Smith? It is not for you. Give all of yourself to her. it is worth it.

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