I’ve been very happily married for 5 years but I still have deeply hurt feelings from the way I was treated in a relationship that ended 7 years ago. I assumed once I found the right one they would eventually fade away but I still think about this relationship fairly regularly. I don’t want to. I feel like maybe I just never got the closure I needed but I don’t know how to make that happen now. The guy and I aren’t in contact and I don’t think it would be appropriate to contact him anyway. What do I do? – Ave
Thank you for your question and I want to begin our conversation by asking you to ask yourself some questions.
1. What are these deeply hurt feelings that you have? Why are they painful for you now?
2. Did the person you were with 7 years ago change the way you viewed yourself? If so, in what ways?
3. What do you think would make you feel better?
Think about these, and respond, I’d love to talk with you about your experience. Break ups, even when they are for the better, are extremely difficult. I know I have a relationship from 10 yrs ago that I still consider from time to time and regret choices that I made. And honestly, that’s okay. We remember that we loved someone, we remember that we hated someone, we remember that we were hurt, we remember that we had fun, we remember, remember, remember…the challenge is to put those memories into the proper place in our minds and hearts – so that they don’t torment us in the present and block us from progressing forward.
Before I share my thoughts on how to do this, I’ll turn the topic to Ask Angela readers. What advice would you give Ave about navigating the feelings she’s experiencing?
Break ups are the worst. Here’s some moderately helpful advice.
Don’t plan on getting back together. Thinking you’re getting back together will make you call him/her and calling him/her will lead to #3.
Choose something you love and start trying to get really good at it. This will remind you that you’re really awesome and not all of the terrible things he/she said you were.
Stop fighting with your ex, it just prolongs the inevitable and makes you guys hate each other more. Anytime you think, “I’ll just call him/her and have a pleasant conversation” or “I’ll just call him/her and try to explain what I think the problem is…” it won’t work and will end in a fight.
Take little moments to cry and think about it and remind yourself that you’re on the road to feeling better.
This advice is semi-working…but I know there’s more out there. What are your best practices? Share in the comments.
Some of the best lessons come from life and family.
Here’s what I learned today:
Gratitude is happiness. (Courtesy of my little sister)
Everything doesn’t have to happen all at once. It’s a little here, and a little there, and then you look back and it’s happening. (Courtesy of my older sister)
Wash your face every day or you will get pimples. (Personal experience)
If you’re married, please wait until your guests leave to have a fight.
What’d you learn today? Share in the comments.
I’d post a picture of my siblings to accompany this post but that would violate Unspoken Family Rule #26: Don’t post pictures of anyone without approval. Interestingly enough, Unspoken Family Rule #27 is “don’t ask anyone for permission to post pictures of them online, just know that they don’t want that.”
Lol. We all have family rules, some necessary, some ridiculous, we all have them. I want to remind you to cherish these little rules, and more importantly, cherish each other.
Short and sweet.
Haha, the title of this post makes me laugh, because it is #RealTalk at its realest, but I’m taking a self imposed break from Instagram…in this Episode of the Ask Angela Podcast, I tell you why!
I do want to share something with you…this is something I’m trying and it’s really new, but I’d love for you to listen and tell me what you think.
I love writing little daily tips that are fun and totally relevant (ie. don’t eat dinner at your computer every night – although I find I do this way more than I thought!) so I decided to start recording some of them. So far I only have a few, but you can listen to the play list or just one.
Let me know what you think: